Dear Human:Your dog probably puzzles you. Most of us do that. And most of us would like to keep things as they are: humans in the dark, dogs with the upper hand.But we dogs are about to let you in a little secret. Okay, a lot of secrets.We graduated first in our obedience class three times. This should tell you something.Puppies know that they're being cute. They're using you.We don't sound anything like those silly voices you use to imitate us.We hate those ridiculous names you give some of us. Moonbeam is not a dignified name for a mutt.You might want to check your herb garden for fertilizer.We are only wearing this stupid birthday hat so we can get some cake. No self-respecting dog cares about his birthday.We are not spoiled, certainly not in comparison to teenage girls.We are in charge of the house. We let you pretend that you are.We'd be lost without you. We love you. It's all in our new book, Things Your Dog Doesn't Want You To Know, as told to humans Hy Conrad and Jeff Johnson.